


Before I go

by PhantomJoker



Category: Bleach
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-27 11:48:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30122298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhantomJoker/pseuds/PhantomJoker
Summary: Uploading a role-play solo I wrote for my OC who can be found at @ShadowedVizard on twitterTW: Mentions of self harm and implied suicide. Please do not read this if you are sensitive to this topic. I don't get graphic it's obvious enough.Please proceed with caution.(Inspired by this:https://youtu.be/PqjgPtsvOCI)





	Before I go

It had been a week since the last time Niveous took control of her body, a week she's kept herself secluded from the world after what had happened; Niveous had done it, had used her hands and nearly killed her one of her best friends, her lover. Kizo watched helplessly beneath the surface of her Hollow's control, unable to stop it no matter how hard she fought back. 

The light fading from their eyes as Kizo's fingers did Niveous' work and squeezed their neck: If it hadn't been for the intervention of her Captain and the other Vizards she would have succeeded.

They had to render Kizo's body unconscious where Kizo herself was finally able to take back control, waking up inside her body; but the damage had already been done.

She couldn't recover, not from something like this; that image of those eyes burning out had haunted her ever since and she hadn't slept nor barely eaten. She drank, heavily, just something to try and kill the guilt and sorrow but it barely scratched the surface. That's when she knew she absolutely couldn't go on anymore.

Her friends insisted it wasn't her fault, her lover insisted it wasn't her fault but she knew deep down it was because she was 𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘬, that if she'd been stronger she could have prevented it. She always felt that way after loosing herself to that 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘵 but this time, this time was more so. 

How could she face them after what she'd done?

How could her lover still stand by her side so willingly after the hands that once touched them so tenderly tried to steal their life?

She couldn't.

She couldn't even face herself.

She knew what she had to do, she wasn't going to let Niveous harm anyone like that ever again.

She knew she could just leave without saying something but every time she put pen to paper she found it difficult to etch the words into the surface, not without tears ruining the writing on the page.

So she did what she's done before when she cannot properly convey her feelings; she turned to a song, one she found on the human internet one day and one that felt appropriate to use.

She cleaned herself up before grabbing her phone and leaving to her private practicing place where she kept her piano, just a small abandoned shack in the Rukongai but it made for a great studio.

She turned the camera on her phone on to record and sat wordlessly down on the bench and faces the camera wearing a somber smile, dark bags under her dull, bloodshot sapphire eyes brimming with tears as she struggled to think of something to say; the lump in her throat made it impossible to breathe let alone talk, so she just decided she'd channel that energy through the lyrics.

Trembling hands begin striking chords.

A shaky breath inhaled, preparing herself to perform one last time.

𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘢 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘬 𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘦  
𝘈𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘵

A deep pit of dispair, one she couldn't climb back out of; every time she tried she'd slip and stumble right back down to the very bottom. 

Curled in bed alone, suffering willingly by herself out of fear she'd hurt someone again.

She felt alone but she knew that was a self imposed burden so she didn't dare complain.

"𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶! 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶! 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶!"  
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘐 𝘬𝘦𝘱𝘵 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧

She hated herself more than Niveous if she was honest: It was her 𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 that kept her from completely taming her inner Hollow. It was her inability to control her that lead to the near death of a loved one. It was always her fault. Niveous may have done the crime but Kizo considered herself the enabler by lack of skill and power.

The mirrors in her room were smashed: Sake bottles thrown into the walls, her anger taken out on her environment. 

Those same broken shards used to direct the anger at herself.

How many wounds had she bandaged in the last week? She lost count.

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘨𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘨  
𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺  
𝘍𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘳𝘶𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨  
𝘛𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘥

It was all consuming: The cocktail of negative emotions coursing through her like lightning; sharp, paralyzing, leaving her feeling decimated and defeated by the weight of it all. Nothing she did helped, drinking, self gratification, carving her own flesh; she couldn't escape it.

Until today, today she'd finally be free of it all. 

Most importantly they'd be safe from her.

𝘉𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘱 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘺

She desperately tried to cling on to something, anything, to keep herself afloat in the sorrowful sea slowly drowning her but all she could think about was what happened; why would anyone want to stay around someone who almost killed them? Sure it wasn't her, it could be said a million and nine times it wasn't her.

But in her eyes it 𝘄𝗮𝘀 her, they could insist all they wanted but Niveous was a part of her, so by extension it was Kizo.

At least that's how her logic worked.

She was doing this to protect them.

She was going to miss them, with all that was left of her broken heart.

But she just couldn't see any other way.

𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘦  
𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘥

Everyone who cared tried their best to help: Her sister, her friends, her partner, they all were desperately trying to pull her back out of the darkness but she kept pushing them away; she couldn't face them this time, what was she supposed to say? All her apologies had already been spoken, accepted, so what else was there? She couldn't just go back to normal, not after something this extreme, maybe after any other time it would have been fine but not this.

She wanted to reach back, but fear was what she held instead of the hand trying to save her.

𝘞𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘭 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘸𝘰𝘯'𝘵

At least that's how she saw it: Given time her loved ones would all move on and gradually the pain would lessen for them; but for her it was a constant torment, even before now she was in immense emotional and mental pain but this last incident was like an avalanche that crushed her and left her for dead under the rubble. 

She's tired, destroyed, she's had enough. She feels too wounded to keep going any further. 

A bleeding that she feels can't be stopped.

𝘚𝘰, 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘐 𝘨𝘰

𝘐 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘧𝘢𝘶𝘭𝘵  
𝘊𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨

It wasn't their fault: She really hoped no one blamed themselves for her actions, they did everything they could do, persistent until the end. Her blood was only on her hands, not theirs, these actions were her own. 

She knew they'd be blaming themselves even if she begged them not to, that they'd feel responsible despite everything they did for her. She didn't want that. 

The parallel of this scenario and her own when it came to misplacing the blame was missed by her: The irony of it all lost to her. 

If she could have thought objectively she would have seen that she was asking of them what they were of her: To not blame herself for the actions of someone else.

𝘐𝘵'𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯  
𝘉𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘰

Right now she felt like she was suffocating but she pressed on, she had to, these words spoke the thoughts she needed everyone to hear; pen and paper failed her but here she felt like despite not being able to breathe she could still get her point across. 

She was blinded by tears, barely able to see the keys and the placement of her fingers as she continued the song; choking back sobs caused her voice to faulter and crack, she wasn't even sure she was capable of being heard on the recording but she hoped that it was audible enough to be picked up.

Crying so hard she coughed, glancing at the the camera during pivotal moments as she does her best to finish each line. 

Her face a mess of snot and tears, paying no mind. Being remembered like this was the further thing from her mind.

𝘉𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘐 𝘨𝘰

𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵, 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸  
𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐'𝘮  
𝘐𝘯 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘥𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦  
𝘕𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦  
𝘕𝘰, 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘐 𝘨𝘰

She truly loved them more than they would realize: It may not seem like it but she really did.

She couldn't stress enough, she wanted them to know she was willing to do anything for them, to die for them if she had to. It just happened that moment was sooner than later: She was taking the creature with her, this was her final act of love, as twisted as it may have seemed to those of better mind.

Something like this should never be done in the first place, but to do so from a place of love was somehow more disturbing than anything. It's not at all what her friends would want and there's a piece of her that knows that, but that part is buried under the rubble of the aforementioned avalanche and so she cannot think that way right now.

This was what was best in her mind, though it was a mind that was not functioning properly; broken by a week of sleepless nights and debilitating depression.

𝘞𝘢𝘴 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘢 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦  
𝘛𝘰 𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘶𝘱 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘦

𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘢 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘯  
𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘐'𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘰 𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦

There were times she wanted to reach out to someone but after pushing them away she felt awkward about doing so: It wasn't that she was afraid of them being mad, but to turn down help only to beg for it at another time didn't sit well with the woman who already had trouble asking for it; so whenever she'd pick up her phone and select a contact, she'd hesitate before finally deciding against it.

Besides they were all busy with other stuff, they had their own lives to worry about and some had problems of their own; in the moment she thought she'd be able to get over it like she always had, but as time went by she knew that wasn't the case. In turn the longer she waited to seek help the more awkward it became until ultimately she decided to stop trying.

How could she explain that to them? 

How could she look them in the eye and tell them that she felt so alone after avoiding them for so long? Especially after they reached out.

The answer was she couldn't.

𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺  
𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬

In the end she didn't want them to worry about her, and she definitely didn't want them to become so distraught over this that they themselves did something. The burden of the end of her life was her own to bare, her own crushing decision that no one else should take the weight of.

As she stared into the camera while singing this line the expression on her face was pleading, begging the viewer to leave that cross on her back when they buried her. 

It was also like she was saying that she was fine now, that there was no longer a reason for them to be concerned because she was no longer going to be in pain; that somber smile doing its best to reassure them that by the time they watched this performance video that she would no longer be suffering.

𝘊𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘴𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘦'𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦  
𝘖𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘺𝘦𝘥

For so long she held on for the sake of others, because she didn't want to hurt the ones she cared so deeply about; she always used them as an excuse to keep going, to hang on and see what the next day would bring and so forth. Her only reason for going on for as long as she has been was just to see them happy.

They say suicide is selfish: But this was the first time she felt she was doing something for herself.

The drinking, the sex, all of it was just to numb the pain.

This was to put an end to it once and for all.

𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘦  
𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘥

𝘞𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘭 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘸𝘰𝘯'𝘵

𝘚𝘰, 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘐 𝘨𝘰

𝘐 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘧𝘢𝘶𝘭𝘵  
𝘊𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨  
𝘐𝘵'𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯  
𝘉𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘰

𝘉𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘐 𝘨𝘰

𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵, 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸  
𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐'𝘮  
𝘐𝘯 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘥𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦  
𝘕𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦  
𝘕𝘰, 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘐 𝘨𝘰

The rest of the song played by fingers that were slipping on the dampness that fell from her eyes, notes were off key and she was sure her voice had completely broken multiple times throughout; but this wasn't able sounding the best or looking pretty, this was about leaving behind something so that they could try and understand that what happened wasn't their fault.

That she was just tired and had finally been pushed to her absolute limit.

The end of the song was followed by a burst of violent sobbing before she gave one last smile to the camera and whispered a hoarse "Goodbye, I love you." before turning off the recording.

The last things she did were one; she returned to her barracks and left both Ankoku and her phone on her messy, unmade bed and two, she retrieved a large shard of broken glass from the floor which was littered with bits and pieces of various different sorts of debris.

With that last task finished and a final farewell spoken to her zanpakutō she left the Seireitei and vanished somewhere in the mountains of the Rukongai, she didn't want to stain her quarters with her own blood and taint it for whomever would most likely end up using them next.


End file.
